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| so its july 14th already. im at a point in my mind where things aren't so easy anymore. it seems the phrase in my life i stood close by since i was born was "humans are destined to fail". recently i just got back from a month long tour which went well but i was tied up in other thoughts the entire time. now im back and im finding myself in an even worse situation. i haven't slept in three days and iv barley eaten anything. its not that i don't want to. im dying for sleep and i want to eat. but i cant sleep and i have no desire for food since three nights ago. im finding myself in a bad dream come true. i never imagined this actually happening. its now all just hitting me. i have spent the last three days with the worse heartache iv ever had in my life. its amazing how you take things for granted until the thing keeping you going is lost. and in this case im talking about a girl. i always told myself i would never go over the deep end for a girl. and i haven't....until i met her. everything iv ever imagined in a girl. she is. and im never going to let this go. so here i am. standing here. praying to god to give her and i both strength to make it through dealing with the consequences of our actions. i just want time to go as fast as possible. and i want everything to just be ok. she took a piece of my heart that i can never take back, and i think i took a piece of hers. im trying to keep a positive attitude about things, but its just so damn hard when you loose something you cant replace. i guess ignoring the matter wont do anything, so i mine as well embrace it and make the best of it. god is in control and everything happens for a reason. all i know is i miss her.
Time to go, this is goodbye she said.
Does it ever get easier, live like this.
And, kiss the cheek- I can't kiss you anymore.
I have the hardest time resisting you.
And oh, if you, if you feel the same:
(WAIT) Then how can we be friends.
just like you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh, I try to give you everything.
to this girl that stole my heart:
im getting into you, because you got to me. in a way words cant describe.
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| -March 9th, 2008.
less than a month till i'm 18. less than 3 months until i graduate from highschool.done with school. forever. since my last update my mind has been completely rearranged. I met 63 year old man named Gary. he called me down to this room when i was in class about 1 month ago. he sat me down in a chair across the table from him. i had no idea why i was there; i was very nervous because i had no idea what was going on. i studied his facial features immediately after i took my seat in the chair. he had i large gray beard, he was bald at the top of his head and he was wearing glasses down towards the center of his nose. after about 1 minute of silence he look up at me and ask me the most straight forward question i have ever been asked. he ask "you see right through all this "school crap" don't you?"...i was puzzled and didn't really know how i should respond, but i took a moment and thought about what he was actually saying and i smile and thought to myself "just say what you mean", so i did. i answered his question with" yes, i always have"...Gary smiled, and said. "this is why i called you down, you see iv been watching a few people and doing research, and asking around. and you, my friend, have one of the most unrevealing, secretive, and interesting minds i have ever seen or heard of. he handed me a booklet with about 150 pages on it, each page containing 1 question and few lines at the bottom to write down my response. Gary look at me and said, i am not affiliated with the school whatsoever, so these 150 pages, nobody will see except you and i, so please do yourself a favor and myself a favor, write the truth down on these pages, don't lie because you think this book is under some type of surveillance, like you are used to due to how the American schooling system works. just write what you have to say down, because what you have to say is what matters right now. i looked at the book and turn to page one, picked up the pencil and 3 hours later i wrote down everything that i had to say. Gary took the book and shook my hand and sent me back to class. i spent the rest of that day with my mouth shut, just thinking about Gary and that book, and what the heck was going on. about two weeks later my teacher got a phone call, i watched her as she was on the phone. she said "ok" about 10 times, then hung the phone up. she looked at me and politely told me to return to Gary's office. as i was walking down the hall, i gradually grew extremely nervous; i started thinking about that book and what i wrote down. and then thought to myself "i did what he told me to do, i wrote down what i had to say". when i got to his office, he has the biggest smile on his face, he told me to sit down. the smile on his face calmed my nerves. after we both sat down, he looked at me and held the blue book up in which i had written down all my answers to the questions, he smile and said "this blue book in which you have written down what you had to say, could be published and be a top seller over every book that has ever been written!, Joshua Seymour, you are psychologically, a genius; i gave you three lines to respond to my questions about what you though about life, and school, ect. and you filled every single page of this book so there was no white showing." i responded to him, "i would have written more but i ran out of space", he said" anyone that ever assumes things about you, better start taking notes because it will take them more than they will know, just to get started on your mind, anything that you feel the initiative to do, you will succeed 200% at, no matter what, because, you know exactly how to find the flaws in everything or anyone around you, and use them to better yourself." i left that room in the same state i left it in the first time. completely in awe. except this time i didn't question anything.
i have recently come to the realization that, i'm not a verbal human being when it comes to things that i really think about in my head. i can try my hardest to speak them out, but nothing really happens most of the time. but when i get a pen and paper in front of me or a keyboard. my mouth is shut. and my mind is 100% open to everything that i have to say.
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iv had one reoccurring dream for the past month, and the same person is always in it. its a person from my past, that played a huge part in my life for a while. then, one day. she was gone. the dreams that i have been having have been mind boggling because they are resuming what happened in my past, and playing the future in a completely different way. you see, my dream brings me back to a scene in my life wear in one day my life when from its climax, to complete rock bottom. i bet you all know what i'm talking about. its "heartbreak". but the scene thats being played in my dream is on a certain someones porch,on a saturday morning, on june 10th. it replays what happened, but in my dream, i responded differently than i did in real life. table turned. and in my dream the tears weren't falling from my eyes, they were falling from hers. i kissed her one last time, turned my back to her and walked down her steps. in both my dream, and real life when this happened there was a million things going through my head as i was walking away, but in my dream just as i am about to leave her drive way she yells "wait! josh!" and i turn around, and as soon as i turn around i wake up. and this happens every time. i'm dying to know what she was going to say in my dream. and i'm also dying to know what this is supposed to mean, or if it even means anything. its amazing, yet devastating. i want to know why i keep having this dream.
For weeks after this dream ive just had a wierd feeling that things are going to work out. somehow, just someone. the perfect someone. at the perfect time. she will take me totally by suprise. and i will totally take her by suprise. she will sing. and look at me in the eyes, and shift my world completely upsidedown. and sometimes in life your in the position where you have to let go and let your feelings take you away. let you heart show you what to do. dont let everything happening around you stop it. if you just take my hand and never let go this could be what youve been waiting for your whole life. you cant fight destiny. you cant just set this aside. we all have good things turn bad, it happens in life. but on top of that. you will have something amazing happen in your life. and if you dont go with what your hearts telling you, you will never know. they say you dont find love, it finds you. i believe in that more than you know. and when it hits you, it could be at bad time, a time when you are thinking things over, trying to figure things out but, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! take this chance, take love and just let go of everything else.....
-josh
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| well its the end of november-ish. and iv come to realize i love a select few people. the rest are just. "friends". another thing iv come to realize is that. i LOVE the open road. i love touring. i love meeting new people and seeing new places. i love the crew that travels with us. i love just bro-ing down with my bros. i love yelling the most random crap out the window at people and staring at them and watching there reactions. (i like it when they get mad) i love going through huge tunnels under a mountain and hold our breaths and seeing who can make it. (iv made everyone so far, but almost passed out at one of them). i love very few people from north east. most of my friends are not in north east. i love being on stage. its a feeling like no other when a huge crowed is screaming at the top of there lungs when you walk on stage. i love talking to new people. i love talk about music and studying it for hours on end. (im a nerd) i love talking to close friends about life and death and everything in between. i love girls. they are real cute. but it sucks most of the time. because they are masters at effing with your head. im catching on. but i doubt i'll ever really understand. i love life for the most part. (minus school) even though its highschool i still feel like i go to 1st grade everyday and it sucks. i love thinking about everything in my room for hours on end with the door shut. as far as life is going its good for the most part. im catching on to alot of it. just life in general, and PEOPLE! and how they think. its really hard. but im learning, and catching on real fast to some people. it might not be a good attribute but i know how to mess with peoples heads to. but im no con artist. a guess im just typing alot. so what i mean to say is. i love life. christmas is comming. the snow is falling and i love it.
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| i watched the cars collide. the glass in shatters pieces.
"life is what you make it" i know, thats such a cliche saying. but when you actually think about it. its the truth. and sometimes. the hardest thing to believe is the truth.
the leaves are turning. the tops of the trees are on fire. the weathers changing. i keep getting flashbacks.
-josh
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